Spiritual warfare and the other side of cancer

     Tonight, one of my long time mentors spoke at our Wednesday night service. Rusty Adair has been one of those people that Matt and I have gone to, many a times, to get spiritual advice from. He is one of those that meets you in the middle of the mess, with no ulterior motive, and walks with you through the thick of it all, all the while, building you up into stronger warriors. He is truly a blessing to us and we love him dearly. He moved away some time ago, so we are always thrilled when he is coming back to be a guest speaker for us, and tonight was no different. Little did I know, not only was I excited, but I needed his lesson as well. 

     Rusty spoke on spiritual warfare and how we, as Christians, often forget about the very real war that is going on in our daily lives. And yes, I am one of those that "knows" their is a spiritual war going on because the Bible speaks of it, but, as Rusty said, I too had "forgotten" about it. I forgot about its existence in my daily life. I forgot about the importance of it. And most of all, I forgot about its power.

     Its power, sadly, is the battle I am fighting mentally, everyday. The OTHER side of cancer, you know, the one that takes place when all the treatments are done, all the appointments slow down, all the scans are clear, and all of a sudden, you look back and realize the only thing you recognize anymore is fear. Everyday, I wake up and wonder if this is my last day NED. Everyday, I wonder if this or that pain is the beginning of a cancer recurrence. Everyday, I wonder if I am going to be the wife that gets to rock with Matt on a porch swing when our skin is frail. Everyday, I pray that I am the mother who is given enough time to guide my daughters into their own love for Christ so that I can have assurance I will see them again in Heaven. Everyday, I fight my fearful gut.

     It's no surprise that my "gut" has been pretty spot on since June of last year. Each time we have followed it, God has held to His words in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." He has told me, "You're gonna be ok. Trust Me," and I fought and became NED from one of the most aggressive cancers a woman can endure. He has told me, "Annaline will be fine," and that baby came out with a head full of hair. He told me, "You're story is going to be used to bring others to Me," and I have seen His light shine brighter in others than any sun could match. He has turned each mess, into a beautiful blessing. 

     But lately, that same gut that gave me such strength and reassurance through my darkest days, has become my greatest road to fear. And tonight, I believe I was reminded that my gut must be fighting a spiritual war too. At least, I pray that is it. Because if it is still speaking to me, and not fighting a war where God will prevail, then to be as transparent as I can be for you all, what it is saying to me these days, scares me to death. I don't like what its saying anymore. I don't want to cling to it anymore. I don't want to listen and follow it anymore.  

     I needed to be reminded tonight that sometimes, just sometimes, my faults, in this case the fear that I feel of my future, is not necessarily a choice I have to make or forget about it, but a war I have to remember is going on. It's a battle that is taking place, and most definitely affects me by placing fear in the place of my joy, but there is something much bigger taking place that neither you, nor I, can completely comprehend. And although this spiritual war that is surrounding me was not given to me by God, rest assured, it IS going to be WON by Him! 

     I know that many of you still pray for me daily. And I know that each of you have walked with me through this journey, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. And although the tests have been run, the treatments have been endured, and the cancer has been eliminated, I still very much fight, everyday, and I need you all to pray for me. I need you to pray that I will remember that my gut is in a spiritual war that God will win. I need you to pray that my unbelief of "how could my cancer not return" is weakened. I need you to pray that I will be able to look at my sweet girl, and listen to her bedtime words of "I want to stay in your arms forever," and believe through hope that maybe those words will come true.   

     Please, continue to pray with me on the other side of cancer. I just don't know that I'm strong enough alone. 

Today. ahhh, what a beautiful today.

Today, my friends, is my LAST RADIATION!!

36 treatments are DONE!!!

Ahh, what glory my God is receiving today. 

Thank you Lord for your many blessings, especially for the blessing of TODAY!! 

Juice Plus- A different kinda post ;)

     Hi all! This is not my typical kinda post, but I’ve been praying about it and decided sharing this info is what I needed to do. So, it’s no big surprise I had cancer. I know right?!? Crazy!!! ;) Anywho...although we don’t REALLY know why anyone gets cancer, I do feel pretty certain I know why I got cancer. I HAD terrible health habits. And I mean TERRIBLE!! So, while going through treatments, I knew I had to come out of this adventure with better habits if I wanted the best chance of my cancer not coming back. So, I began a bit of research fun. I tried juicing. More power to you juicing folks….I just simply can’t do it. I’m not even going to tell you all my description of what those drinks tasted like. Yak, just not pretty at all. ;) I then began a whole food drink that a family friend sent me called Zeal. You see, it already had all that good stuff crushed and in the drink powder. And most importantly compared to my juicing adventure, it was delicious!! I mixed it with a little grape juice and down it went!! I began feeling so much better on it as well. I could definitely tell my gut was having life put back into it, and my energy level was elevating which is HUGE for a momma of two littles ;) Although I love my Zeal, and will definitely continue to drink it, I noticed that some days I would miss it, and on those days, I would miss my energy too :( There really is something to be said about eating “super foods.” Either we would be out of grape juice, or we were running out of the house too fast to a doc appointment for me to stop and get it ready. I know, my own excuses, but alas, I would miss my Zeal like crazy on those days. 
     SO, that led me to Juice Plus. I wanted something that would give me the same benefits of Zeal, but would be even easier for me to take, especially when I couldn’t drink my Zeal for whatever reason. Juice Plus is an organic, whole foods CAPSULE!!! Guess what?!? I always have water to take my capsules ;) AND, you wanna know what this momma of two REALLY loved about Juice Plus?? FREE children’s organic, whole food gummies (or capsules)!!! So, not only am I getting Matt’s and my gut healthy, Bella is getting to enjoy whole food health too!! I tell you what. I will do ANYTHING I can to keep my sweet girls from getting childhood cancer. For me, whole food health, in the form of Juice Plus gummies for my baby girls, is an insurance policy!! 
     Now, I am NOT a salesman!! That is one desire I have NEVER had!! But after feeling a difference on Zeal and Juice Plus, I most definitely wanted to share the info with you all!! I feel like if it can save one person from all the struggles my family has had to endure over the last 8 months, it was worth it! I wanna help save ALL my loved ones from cancer and other diseases! If you would do better with a drink, please let me know and I will hook you up with a great guy that sells the Zeal. If you would like to try the organic, whole foods capsules or gummies, please let me know and I’ll get some to you. I am now a “distributor” for Juice Plus ONLY because all my family has begun taking them and we wanted to all be in this together :) When it comes to the Juice Plus, I am including my website so that you can go and research all the health benefits of the product by yourself. There are thousands of medical journals Juice Plus has been included in, and you can read all the articles. It is really fascinating how important gut health really is! Any who, like I said, I am not a salesman, but I do very much want my friends and family to find something they can use to help themselves become healthy so that we can fight stupid cancer in a different way!! Love you all :)       

http://kgriffies.juiceplus.com/content/JuicePlus/en.html

Ahh, the Irony.

"Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think? A little tooooooo ironic, and yeah I really do think?"

Go on....belt it out!!! You know you want to ;) 

The door to my radiation room. Find the irony yet?!?

It's going to help you they say...

It's going to save your life they say.....

Irony. 

...and then God sends perspective.

It's no surprise I have been down for the past week or so about radiation, and the effects it is having on my life both physically and emotionally. Well, last week I was walking into the radiation center, probably with a grouchy "this is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" kinda face, and I noticed an older gentleman walking towards the door as well. The following conversation was exchanged,  and most definitely placed for a purpose. That purpose might you ask? A gentle perspective lesson from my Heavenly Father. After all, He always knows what we need and when we need it, right? :)

Mr: "Another day? It gets tiring, huh?"
Me (realizing I need to try to be a Positive Patsy instead of my current Negative Nancy self <insert
          smile> )
      "Yes sir. This is my 20th, but it'll be ok!"
          (thinking to myself...You're being a pretty good little actress today <Pat on the back> Oooouch,
          too hard. Remember, this crap has given you a terrible burn!! Oh I hate radiation. Don't let this
          poor man know your real thoughts!)
Mr: "This is my third." 
Me (thinking to myself...Aww, poor newbie. He has no idea what he's in for. Just try to be positive to
          the poor fella. Bless him.)
      "Oh, ok. Well you hang in there, it's not that bad." 
Mr: "Oh, I don't mean my third treatment. This is my 3rd case of cancer. This is my 100th radiation 
      treatment." 

Perspective given.
Perspective received.

#Godiswritingmystory

Every. Single. Day.

*Disclaimer: Many have asked about my burns, and in an effort to continue my transparency through this journey we have been given, I have included a picture of a couple of my burns/blisters that are found under my armpit. I very much believe in modesty and, although now I ask myself "if I have no breasts, is it immodest to show my chest," I still decided I'd spare those pics. After all, I am still a lady ;) Anywho, if you have a weak tummy, you may not want to scroll to the last image. 

Radiation I have found, is not for the weak :) 

26 down. 10 to go.

#Godiswritingmystory

We were supposed to beat this.....together.

     I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. For instance, one of my friends lost her young niece to a car accident 6 years ago. At the time, we most definitely couldn't understand the 'whys' of her accident, but not even a year later, I understood. That same friend, who walked with her family through that loss, was then there for me as my family dealt with the loss of my sister-in-law, Susan, who also died unexpectedly at a young age. Because she had already walked the death of the young, she was able to give me words of strength in our time of grief. Eight years ago, another dear friend of mine began walking the weary road of a cancer diagnosis in the family when her daddy was diagnosed. Again, the 'whys' were not understood until June 3rd of this past year, when that sweet friend was the one that was sitting by my side as my phone rang with my own cancer diagnosis. In that moment, there was no other person that needed to be here with me more because she loved me and knew what was to come because she had already lived it. You see what I mean?? Everything happens for a reason, and God puts the perfect people in our lives, with the perfect life experiences, just when we need them.

     Today, I attended the funeral of one of those people. Ernest Hodges was diagnosed with cancer well over a year ago. Matt worked with him for many years and considered him a good friend, so immediately, our hearts sank with the 'whys' of such a young guy fighting cancer. Here he was, a young husband and father, and was fighting for his life. Fast forward to June of 2015, and the 'whys' of Ernest became more clear, because now, I too was a young wife and mother fighting for my life. Ernest instantly became another cancer role model for me, and when we talked for the first time after my diagnosis, I said to him, "We are going to fight this together?!" Ernest, with that huge, contagious smile said, "Yes we are!" and instantly, I believed him. I was filled with gratefulness for the strength he gave me in those words. And boy did we fight. All the while, comparing notes on how badly cancer stunk, our families rocked, and our Savior blessed.

     But now, we aren't. We don't get to fight together anymore. Although he is no longer infected with cancer, he never got to hear "no evidence of disease" with earthly ears. His sweet wife is grieving for one more sweet embrace with the man that God gave her as the leader of her young family. His sweet daughter is longing for someone, anyone, to bring her daddy back so that she can give him one more hug. His family and friends are wishing for one more contagious grin. I'm wandering this cancer battle land for one of my favorite side kicks.

     I think I know why Ernest got cancer...so that he could help others, like me, who would all too soon begin walking the treacherous cancer road as well. Thankfully, God used his story to help me find strength when I needed it the most. I don't know why I got cancer. I like to think that maybe, just maybe, someone, somewhere, is finding strength in my words for their own battle. And I pray to my Father above that there will be other life circumstances, and people, that will be brought into my life, just at the perfect times, so that I can hear their story and use it to understand the 'whys' of this tough world. I'm so thankful Ernest was one of those people for me.

     And just as I believe everything happens for a reason, I also believe it is in His time that we are given the ability to understand it, and so for right now, I don't guess we get to understand why Ernest couldn't win this fight. It is simply not the time for understanding. So I will grieve for Ernest, just as Christ also grieved while on this earth, and for today, I am going to allow myself to be upset over the 'whys.' Why couldn't we continue to fight together? Why couldn't we both be plugging on like a couple of warriors out to save the day? Why can't he be here to hold his wife and daughter one more time, or two or three or four more times? Why can't we see that contagious smile again? Why couldn't we beat this, together? I guess these are just 'whys' we will have to understand another day.

We love you Hodges family, and are in constant prayer for your comfort!