Tonight, one of my long time mentors spoke at our Wednesday night service. Rusty Adair has been one of those people that Matt and I have gone to, many a times, to get spiritual advice from. He is one of those that meets you in the middle of the mess, with no ulterior motive, and walks with you through the thick of it all, all the while, building you up into stronger warriors. He is truly a blessing to us and we love him dearly. He moved away some time ago, so we are always thrilled when he is coming back to be a guest speaker for us, and tonight was no different. Little did I know, not only was I excited, but I needed his lesson as well.
Rusty spoke on spiritual warfare and how we, as Christians, often forget about the very real war that is going on in our daily lives. And yes, I am one of those that "knows" their is a spiritual war going on because the Bible speaks of it, but, as Rusty said, I too had "forgotten" about it. I forgot about its existence in my daily life. I forgot about the importance of it. And most of all, I forgot about its power.
Its power, sadly, is the battle I am fighting mentally, everyday. The OTHER side of cancer, you know, the one that takes place when all the treatments are done, all the appointments slow down, all the scans are clear, and all of a sudden, you look back and realize the only thing you recognize anymore is fear. Everyday, I wake up and wonder if this is my last day NED. Everyday, I wonder if this or that pain is the beginning of a cancer recurrence. Everyday, I wonder if I am going to be the wife that gets to rock with Matt on a porch swing when our skin is frail. Everyday, I pray that I am the mother who is given enough time to guide my daughters into their own love for Christ so that I can have assurance I will see them again in Heaven. Everyday, I fight my fearful gut.
It's no surprise that my "gut" has been pretty spot on since June of last year. Each time we have followed it, God has held to His words in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." He has told me, "You're gonna be ok. Trust Me," and I fought and became NED from one of the most aggressive cancers a woman can endure. He has told me, "Annaline will be fine," and that baby came out with a head full of hair. He told me, "You're story is going to be used to bring others to Me," and I have seen His light shine brighter in others than any sun could match. He has turned each mess, into a beautiful blessing.
But lately, that same gut that gave me such strength and reassurance through my darkest days, has become my greatest road to fear. And tonight, I believe I was reminded that my gut must be fighting a spiritual war too. At least, I pray that is it. Because if it is still speaking to me, and not fighting a war where God will prevail, then to be as transparent as I can be for you all, what it is saying to me these days, scares me to death. I don't like what its saying anymore. I don't want to cling to it anymore. I don't want to listen and follow it anymore.
I needed to be reminded tonight that sometimes, just sometimes, my faults, in this case the fear that I feel of my future, is not necessarily a choice I have to make or forget about it, but a war I have to remember is going on. It's a battle that is taking place, and most definitely affects me by placing fear in the place of my joy, but there is something much bigger taking place that neither you, nor I, can completely comprehend. And although this spiritual war that is surrounding me was not given to me by God, rest assured, it IS going to be WON by Him!
I know that many of you still pray for me daily. And I know that each of you have walked with me through this journey, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. And although the tests have been run, the treatments have been endured, and the cancer has been eliminated, I still very much fight, everyday, and I need you all to pray for me. I need you to pray that I will remember that my gut is in a spiritual war that God will win. I need you to pray that my unbelief of "how could my cancer not return" is weakened. I need you to pray that I will be able to look at my sweet girl, and listen to her bedtime words of "I want to stay in your arms forever," and believe through hope that maybe those words will come true.
Please, continue to pray with me on the other side of cancer. I just don't know that I'm strong enough alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment