Flashback to June 2, 2015: His whisper

When the lump started growing rapidly at 27 weeks, I had a gut feeling. You know, one of those gut wrenching ones that no matter how hard you try to ignore it, and pretend its not real, you just can't shake it?? One of those. I wanted to pretend I was just an emotional prego, but sadly, I knew in my core that something was wrong, terribly wrong, and I was just not going to be able to shake the feeling. My heart knew I had cancer. Fast forward to the morning of my first appointment with my surgeon for the initial ultrasound that would ultimately confirm my gut feeling. I parked right in front of her building, it was about 8:30 in the morning, and the building was covered in pink. So. Much. Pink. I’ve always loved the color pink, but in that moment, I despised it. I despised what it looked like. I despised how it made me feel. I despised what it stood for. I parked the car and just sat and looked at all the pink and thought to myself, “and so it begins,” as tears began to stream down my face. In that moment, knowing I had no control of what I was about to find, I said a simple prayer through my little sighs, “Dear God, please let me be ok, either way….cancer or not.” In that moment, I absolutely cannot explain it, but remember it with the most vivid of details. God reached out with His mighty, but all too gentle hand, and with the sweetest of whispers said, “You’re gonna be ok. Trust me.” With a new found sense of complete peace, my response was a simple “ok, lets do this.” Tears wiped, car locked, big girl panties back on, and I opened the pink door…. 

#Godiswritingmystory

Flashback to June 2, 2015: Let's go back to the beginning..."It's cancer."

Around the time I found out I was pregnant, which was around 5 weeks (November or December of 2014), I found a lump in my right breast.  I showed my OBGYN at my first pregnancy appointment, and after examination, we both agreed it seemed to be a fibroadenoma.  It was movable, round in shape, and had probably shown up due to the pregnancy (or so we thought).  I agreed with this diagnosis because I had a fibroadenoma removed from my left breast when I was 17, and it did seem very similar.  Looking back, this was God’s perfect timing beginning to work!! Had we pursued an ultrasound at that time and found the cancer, I could not have safely begun the aggressive treatments I needed due to the fast growing cells of the baby. The chemo would have attacked her as well and she would not have survived. That is one fear I am so VERY thankful I did not have to endure….again, God has perfect timing!!  At 27 weeks, the lump began to grow very rapidly; so big it was protruding out of my bra, pain began to manifest, and my skin began to favor something that is best described as an “orange peel”.  When I went back to Dr. Logan at 29 weeks, she agreed that since it had changed, we would seek a second opinion from a breast surgeon. The next day, 2nd of June 2015,  I went to the breast surgeon, and upon an ultrasound, she told me that she didn’t want me to necessarily prepare for bad news, but she wanted me to know she was concerned enough that she wanted to do 3 biopsies that very day. She said that the lump did not have clear margins or the symmetrical shadows that a traditional fibroadenoma should. As she left my room, I composed my nerves just enough to shoot Matt a text to say a little prayer. He of course was ready to head to me, but as odd as this may sound, I needed to be in that moment alone. I was able to just pray and process and be, and who would have thought that I would need those few moments, but for whatever reason I did. I needed to just hold my little belly and remember my God was bigger!! So after a few minutes, it was time to start the biopsy process. Oh the biopsies! That was an adventure in and of itself!! At that point I was 29 weeks along, so my little darling had grown enough that she could lay on my venae cavae, and during the biopsies, she planted herself right on it when I had to lay flat!! Lets just say, trying to keep me from blacking out during that process was probably the most challenging of all ;) They were so sweet though, and Dr. Strickland was able to get what she needed even in the twisted position I had to lay in order to appease the baby within ;) And just FYI, the loud "shot" sound of that needle biopsy contraption will most definitely play with your mind and nerves, just so you know ;) Any who, she called me the next day, 3rd of June 2015, from her daughter’s basketball game of all places because she didn’t want me to have to keep worrying. When I answered the phone, the world stood still as I heard the echoing words..."It's cancer." Dr. Strickland informed me that I had a highly rare and aggressive invasive ductal carcinoma known as inflammatory breast cancer; stage 3. It had already spread to one lymph node as well. I asked "on a scale of 1-10, how bad is mine in the realm of having breast cancer" and she said "a 9." So "great," I thought, "one of the worst ones." My daughter within gets the wiggles, and my own heart shatters in the same breath…. 

 #Godiswritingmystory 

A blog begins....

"It was the worst of times, it was the best of times."

This book opener continues to flood my mind as I reflect back on the journey we have traveled, through a lump and a bump, since June 2, 2015. It has most definitely been the worst of times, and the best of times. Since I have not been diligent in keeping a journal during this trial as I had planned, I wanted to create this blog so that I can go back to the beginning and document our journey better. Documenting this valley has been important to me because one day our girls will look back at these writings, and know that even through the darkest of times, God is good and He will make all things right!! We just have to keep our faith, trust in Him, hold tight to His unfailing hands and be held!  For those who have followed our journey through FB, there will be a few posts with repetition of my FB posts, want to make sure to include those in my journal, but there will also be posts along the way that will include new moments I want to remember and document. Thank you for following along in our journey as we continue to stumble in the dark, and I pray you will be able to help us praise Him in this storm!!

Katie
#Godiswritingmystory